The Journey of my mind – 1

Where do all these thoughts come from? What makes us think? Is it the brain or is there something else that drives the thoughts into your mind? I wonder what it is actually. I wonder coz I am not able to control and direct my thoughts. Can you imagine yourself in a situation where you are constantly being pushed by hundreds of people in a crowd that is continuously moving and you are going along with them even though you don’t want to go there? That is what these thoughts are doing to me. Why? I have no idea. 

Sometimes they just want me to wander off someplace, taking me to this deep dark space where I can see nothing, not even myself. It’s like I’ve got lost in this darkness forever. This one feeling of never getting back to the reality scares the shit out of me. But then again, everything changes. Thoughts shuffle… But, only after making me so vulnerable to this darkness, that I don’t even recognize myself. This makes me question my own existence, coz I’m not the only one in this deep dark space.  I got people to accompany me, strangers all along the way. But, nobody knows that I’m also there. I guess everyone’s lost in there too. How can they find me if they can’t even find themselves.

Sometimes, all the pain and sufferings of my past chain me with these emotions that I don’t want to feel anymore. Why? All coz of those stupid fucking thoughts from the past that I want to forget. But no. They will keep haunting me even though I don’t want them to. I question myself. Why in the hell do I get these thoughts. My heart answers, ”you buried all of ’em soo damn deep that it has became a part of me and I can’t keep it from you”. I wish if I had just let it go instead of burying ’em. What’s the point in sobbing now? Well that’s not it. 

There are those times when a ghost named future starts haunting me. All those thoughts of ifs and buts getting on my nerves, making me anxious, raising my beats, leaving me clueless. Why do I always get lost in such stupid thoughts? My heart had no answers for me. I guess it just don’t want to answer me. Is there even a reason for me to waste my time on such stupid thoughts. This time, it just won’t pass. No matter how hard i try to get away from it, it just keeps following me like a loyal fucking dog. Just go away. Give me some space to breathe in the calmness sometimes.

Sometimes, I get so lost in some random thoughts that don’t even add up or make sense to me. I mean, why in the hell do I even think of escaping my mind when i know that it’s never gonna leave me alone. Just stucked in this time, lost in this packed space of darkness, having no clue of what the next thought will bring in or where it will take me, I’m staring at my own reflection now. At least I can see myself now. At least my thoughts didn’t threw me away in that darkness again. But who knows, those bitches can just come and drop me down again. 

Will I ever be able to get my shit back together, or these thoughts will keep haunting me like they always do? Who knows. But it’s not the end. And that I know. 

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