Well, its been tough lately. Theres this struggle going on between my mind and soul that is itching me to my depths. It is really frustrating when you feel like theres nothing you could do to just be in the present moment instead of wandering in some other time. All this time, I’ve been working on my own mind just to see what or where does it want me to be. But, it didn’t go as expected. Nothing good came of it. The only thing I needed was a calm and peaceful mind where my thoughts would no longer bother me.
Only me, my breath and my heartbeat.
Such deepness, such loneliness and me… Only me. Me believing in my own existence.
I’m so caught up in the middle of this struggle, this dispute between my soul, my heart and my fucking mind. It always leave me confused and irritated. I think this is the sole reason for my insomnia. I remember all those sleepless nights, crawling on the bed, trying to get a good deep sleep that’s long lost. Every time I try, I fail myself. Why? Coz of my thoughts going in multiple directions, heart responding to it and above all, those philosophical lectures coming from deep inside of me, all these things have now become an everyday story. And what happens at the end of the story? Nothing special. I just wait. A longing wait, listening to that tick tick, counting them to just drift off from everything.
I’ve always believed in one thing. Wherever you are today, you are meant to be here for various unknown reasons. Now, you may not understand or realise or notice that, but you are where you are supposed to be. This one belief has kept me going in spite of all the other bullshits happening in my life. But, there are those nights when I question this belief of mine. Am I really supposed to be here, in this dramatic life where I don’t feel any earthly emotions to anything at all. Waking up each day thinking of what to do now, a never answered question, my day just goes on.
Maybe my life has got fucked up due to certain things. Or maybe I am just not able to live my life the way I want to. Maybe I’m going crazy day by day. In between all these maybes, the one thing that is still holding me is the voice coming from deep inside, which says that ‘I need to have a bit more patience. Everything will start making sense.’ I really don’t know what to say in reply to it.
Maybe I should just wait. Wait till I fall asleep, wait till my mind and heart align together. Something tells me that it’s going to be a longing wait. But, this shall pass too. Having this one belief, I dare to face ever thing as life goes on….